Catalina Island Man

SPECIAL DELIVERY WHILE STONED!


KIDNEY STONES: If you have ever had a kidney stone attack, SCREAM to yourself, you don't want to scare the neighbors! I passed at least one stone every year for almost 20 years! One time, while traveling through Western Samoa, I passed two, at the same time, one from each kidney!

The pain of passing a kidney stone is often referred to as the "worse pain" there is. I heard of a woman, a few years ago, who passed a kidney stone while she was delivering her baby!


AT LEAST, THAT'S ONE SITUATION I DON'T HAVE TO FACE!

For whatever reason, my kidney stone attacks always seem to occur in the middle of the night. I usually find myself falling out of bed in pain. The story that I am about to tell certainly falls within this category.

About thirty years ago, I had such an attack, around two in the morning. At that time I was taking care of my invalid father here on Catalina Island and didn't want to concern him, but the pain was so bad. It seemed like it was too early in the morning to call a friend, who was a nurse, to ask her to be here when Dad normally woke up around 7:00 AM. I wanted to drive myself to the hospital (in our golf cart), but I was so bent over in pain that I didn't trust my driving, so I called the hospital to have them send an ambulance. Because the neighbors were aware of Dad's condition, and because it was so early in the morning, I requested that they not have their lights flashing, nor their sirens blaring. I was going to be dressed, suitcase in hand, and out in front of the house, so that I could quickly jump in the front passenger seat and get rushed to the hospital, before anyone was disturbed.

YOU GUESSED IT! The ambulance arrived a few minutes later with lights flashing and sirens whaling. It was so early in the morning and everything was so quiet, I had never seen so much light nor heard anything so loud. It sounded like they had borrowed additional equipment to put on this display! Every house in the neighborhood had turned on their lights and I am sure that they must have thought that the ambulance was for my father!

I quickly jumped, or squirmed in the seat, which would be more accurate, looking like I was auditioning for the role of "Quasimodo", "The Hunchback Of Notre Dames". I "Thanked" them for respecting my wishes not to make a spectacle of my departure! I was then rushed the two blocks to the hospital and quickly wheeled to the front desk to be admitted.

I quickly explained the situation, told them I was passing a kidney stone, and informed them that I would be coherent only for a few more minutes, at which time, I would start screaming, and they would need to give me a morphine injection IMMEDIATELY. Being a cautious group, and I don't blame them, they sent me to the x-ray department to verify my diagnosis, after which, they would then contact the "doctor on call” for authorization for the morphine.

Joe Quinn, a great friend of mine, who had been awakened in the middle of night, threw on some clothes, and rushed to the hospital to take said x-ray. While I sat in the wheelchair, with the pain getting worse by the second, he rushed out of the x-ray room and informed me, along with the head nurse, that I was passing "one heck of a stone".

Armed with this information, the nurse then called the doctor (who will remain nameless, but who proved to be probably the WORST doctor that our little hospital every employed!). The nurse put down the phone and with a very concerned look informed me that the doctor said that because he had been partying most of the night, he would not be coming to the hospital now, but would come at 8:00AM when he made his "usual rounds".


8:00AM!!!!! THAT WAS FIVE HOURS AWAY!!!!!

I told the nurse that I couldn't withstand the pain for five hours and that they would have to give me the morphine shot NOW! With a solemn voice, the nurse told me that they couldn't even administer an aspirin until the doctor showed up at 8:00AM, examined me, and authorized my medication.

With all of the presence of mind that I could muster, I said to the nurse, "Let me explain something to you. I have just a few more minutes before the pain because so excruciating that I won't be able to control myself. I am going to start "SCREAMING", uncontrollably, pretty soon, and IF I don't get morphine SOON, I am going to SCREAM this hospital down to its foundation!!!!!!!!!!"

The nurse, now understanding the situation, directed the "Candy Strippers" to take me into the maternity "Delivery Room", which was on the other end of the hospital, as far away from the other patients as possible. I had no choice, so they wheeled me in and quickly got me in a gown and tossed me into the bed.

The two young ladies, who obviously knew nothing about kidney stone attacks, stood there, with sympathetic and concerned looks. They shared with me their frustration that the doctor refused to come and that they couldn't do anything to ease the pain. One of them showed a glimmer of enthusiasm, when she suggested "Why don't we put you in the stirrups and elevate you in different positions until the pain goes away!?!"

YOU'VE

GOT TO BE

KIDDING!!!!!!!!!!

Kidney stones pass by urine pressure, NOT "gravity", but by now any words that I would have uttered, to try to educate them would have been less than flattering to their lack of medical knowledge, so I went along with them. They put my legs in these "slings" and proceeded to "elevate me" until I told them that the pain had gone away.

Well, they took my legs to "greater heights", leaving the rest of me, namely the back of my neck, still on the bed. They then asked me, with hope in their heart, "Does your kidney pain feel any better?"

"CONGRATULATIONS", I yelled, "YOU HAVE NOW CAUSED THE KINK IN MY NECK TO HURT MORE THAN MY KIDNEY!!!!!

LET ME DOWN!!!!!!!!!!"

They quickly let my legs down and asked if there was "anything else" they could do for me. I told them to





"...REMOVE ALL SHARP ITEMS FROM THE ROOM AND GET OUT OF REACH,





BECAUSE IF I GOT MY HANDS ON EITHER ONE OF YOU I WILL TEAR YOU TO PIECES!!!!!





SHUT THE DOOR, LEAVE ME ALONE,





BUT BE SURE TO CALL GRACE (my nurse friend) TO MAKE SURE THAT SHE WILL BE THERE WHEN DAD WAKES UP AT SEVEN!!!!!"

They seemed to have caught on to my pleas and threats, so they quickly left. All I remember from 3:30-8AM was me, alternating from screaming to crying and back.

F I N A L L Y the doctor arrived, with the x-ray in hand, he came into the room and said jovially, "Boy, you must have really had a tough go of it from the size of that stone!!!" I tried to raise my arms so that I could grab his tongue and turn him inside out, but I didn't have the strength. He then told me that he was going to put me in a semi-private room and give me the morphine. IT’S ABOUT TIME!

I woke up around Noon and, once I got acclimated and remembered where I was, and why I was there, I looked over at the other bed and saw a face that I recognized. "Fred", I said, "how are you doing?"

"HOW AM I DOING!?! I'm dead tired and got NO sleep at all last night...how is anybody in this hospital doing after being kept up all night by a woman delivering a baby. SHE WAS IN LABOR FOR HOURS! Didn’t you hear her!?!" "No, I didn't hear a thing. Boy, those drugs must really have worked well!"

"What’s even worse", he continued, "Is that she has to be the ‘ugliest woman on the planet!” "How do you know she was 'ugly" I said? "You should have heard how DEEP HER VOICE WAS! I wouldn’t be surprised if she had a beard. BUT the worst part of it is that she must have delivered the ‘ugliest baby in the world!!”

I couldn't for the life of me figure out what he was talking about and then it FINALLY HIT ME!



"Don't worry, Fred, I can guarantee you that an 'ugly baby' wasn't born last night."

"HOW DO YOU KNOW!?!" "Because I AM THAT UGLY WOMAN'!" and then I proceeded to tell him the whole story.

I KNOW that women are smarter than men (I know that I am in a whole lot of trouble with 50% of you readers, making this statement) and now I KNOW that this so-called "weaker" sex is also the STRONGER!

GOOD GOING LADIES!