Catalina Island Man

HOW I GOT MY LICENSE TO DRIVE! (part 3)


I…PAAASSSSSED!

I finally got the picture. I look like the deer that was not only blinded by the car lights, but then hit by the car and I immediately called Eric to give him the "good" and "bad" news. The "good" news was that I passed my test (which he already knew, and couldn't believe it) and the "bad" news was that I almost flunked "picture"!

A few weeks later my license arrived and things seemed like I was now finished with the DMV and the humiliation that went with them,…until I received a letter from these wonderful people telling me that because of some numbers on the back of my license, I would have to make an appointment to go back to the Fullerton office! I quickly turned my card over and saw number 13, which stated "area restriction". That I understood. It simply meant that I could only drive "big rigs" on Catalina, as I had not been checked out for freeway driving on the mainland.



The other number stumped me number “50”. It stated "customized restrictions on file - contact DMV". What in the heck does that mean!?!

I made an appointment and showed up to have this matter cleared up. I showed this examiner, obviously the sister of "the wicked witch of the west", who I had dealt with before, and asked her what it meant. She suddenly had a strange expression on her face (which was a good place to have it) and she took my drivers' license and told me to wait while she looked it up in "the book". She took the license into the back room and then returned.



I saw her paging through the manual and then, after looking like she was going to break out laughing said, "I am sorry, but there is no such code number 50! There must be some mistake!!!"

After two years of driving, I decided that it wasn't for me, so, none of your have to worry about being on the road with me, in anything bigger than my '89 Dodge Ram Van. The Death Mobile!

POSTSCRIPT: And…(for the conspiracy buffs among you) what is the secret code on the back of my Class A License, code number 50? If any of you work for the DMV, or know anyone who does, email me at: liddell@catalinas.net

Also, please find out if my licensing episode has been recorded and is now shown at every DMV Christmas Party, all over the world, and what does the code number 50 mean, anyway?

I…PAAASSSSSED! I…PAAASSSSSED! I…PAAASSSSSED! The End

Catalina Island Man

HOW I GOT MY LICENSE TO DRIVE! (part 2)

I…PAAASSSSSED!

I quickly ran to my car, got my cell phone and phoned Eric, my supervisor, and told him that I had FINALLY passed, but now I needed a new drivers' license picture taken and would have to make an appointment for that. Since time to start training in the vehicles was short (I would have to start driving in about a week and a half) he told me that I should go directly to the San Pedro DMV, as they usually weren't as busy as the others and I wouldn't have to make an appointment.

I rushed to San Pedro and stood in line. He was right, there weren't many people ahead of me, but as I stood there, quite a number fell in line behind me must have been their "lunch break".

I went up to the woman, who seemed kind, and pleasant enough (anyone would have been better than "Nurse Ratchet" in Fullerton) and I gave her the proof that I HAD PASSED and simply needed my picture taken. I had it, I had it and no one could take it away from me. I was preparing my “end zone dance” when she spoke. She told me to put my finger in this stupid machine, which would take my finger print. First, I want you to know that it had been so long since I needed to get a Driver's License, as I had not had any driving violations, so new licenses had simply been mailed to me over the last fifteen plus years. I didn't know anything about "finger printing", but I complied. I placed my finger smartly into the finger receptacle and waited for more commands.

Now comes the "L I T E R A L" PART! READY!?! She said to me,…now these were here exact words, "Put you finger in the finger print machine…and then step back to the line for your picture." For those of you who are "L I T E R A L", you have already figured out what I then did. For those of you who are "normal", read the lady’s words over again, exactly as they are written and try to figure out what I happened next. Also, please keep in mind, I had been, over the past five weeks, subjected to EVERY test that the DMV had to offer and I wasn't going to do or say anything to mess of my chances of getting my Class A license, so that I could drive the buses in Avalon!

Well, here we go! With my finger STILL in the finger printing machine, I then started moving my feet backward toward the line! The line was a good five feet away so I found myself doing a modified "reverse limbo" (sounds like an Olympic gymnastic move, and it felt like it!) to be able to accomplish this "Chinese Acrobat" feat! By the time that I reached the line, I was now almost parallel to the ground, but I had just enough strength to bend my neck so that I could face the camera and force, what might be described in some primitive cultures as a "smile" for my new Class A Driver’s License card.

During my “limbo stretch” the DMV lady had been working on my paperwork with her head down. Now…she looked up at me…in my outstretched…Iron Eagle Position and…motioned me to come to the counter (or should I say the rest of my body to come, as my finger was still in the machine, ON the counter). I was relieved, as my muscles were beginning to spasm, and for some reason, the people behind me in line were laughing out loud! WHAT!?!

When I got to the counter, the kind sole, obviously biting her tongue to keep from laughing, said "I expected you to take your finger out of the finger printing machine, BEFORE you went back to the line for the picture."

Of course, feeling very self-righteous, I reminded her of exactly what she said that told her that I was sure that over the years I had not been the “ONLY ONE” to take what she said "literally" and suggested that she might change her directions if she didn't want additional innocents like me to do exactly what I did! Her face didn't change, jaw set in iron position, glaring at me. I began to panic and with a pleading in my voice said, "Please don't tell me that I am the ONLY ONE who has EVER DONE THIS!!!!!"

She gained her composure long enough to say, "In my twenty years of working for the DMV, this is the first time that I have EVER seen this happen. Mr. L i d d e l l, you are a V E R Y SPECIAL PERSON!!!!!

ENOUGH SAID! In the end…I didn’t fail driver’s license picture…
I…PAAASSSSSED!

NOT SO FAST...

THERE'S MORE TO THIS STORY (to be continued)

Catalina Island Man

HOW I GOT MY LICENSE TO DRIVE! (part 1)

So far, on this Blog, I have portrayed myself as, “trustworthy”, “loyal”, “friendly”, “helpful, "sensitive", "heroic", "dedicated", "God fearing", etc. (you can tell that I used to be a Boy Scout!), but those of you who really know me, know I must continually deal with the issue of being too "L I T E R A L"!

Growing up, I never thought of myself as being “literal or anal", but simply "precise". I prided myself on listening to, and complying with, every word. When a sign on the Freeway says to, "Take The Next Exit", I don't know if it means that I should take "This Exit" or the "The Exit that Follows This One" (if you are fellow "anal-ites", you understand. If you don't, contact me and I will explain the difference!).

Anyway, when I turned 50, I had decided to start doing the things that I had always wanted to do. I felt that I had given the first half of my life, 50 years (in my family, reaching near 100 is not a big deal), to do what everyone else wanted me to do. Get an education, be successful, take care of others, etc., but now the second 50 years was MINE. Not that I was going to change my life dramatically, but I felt that if I didn't do certain things pretty soon, I would never have a chance to do them!

One of these "dreams" was to drive a tour bus on Catalina Island. Don't ask me why, but I thought that transporting people and educating them about Catalina history and entertaining them was one of the "neatest" things that I could do. I also love to drive, which has a tendency to help calm me down and think more clearly, so this would be my "perfect" job. I would drive a bus for, "Discovery Tours", part of the "Santa Catalina Island Company".



Because of the nature of our tour buses for "Discovery Tours", (which were once owned by the Wrigley Family), i.e., size and capacity (some carry over 20 passengers), air brakes, etc., I needed to have a Class “A” California Driver’s License. In order to obtain the certified Class A license, to drive these "rigs", the DMV expected me to take, and pass, six, yes, count them, "6", tests. The problem for me was that all of the tests must be taken one after the other, on the same day, under the supervision of the Department of Motor Vehicles (DMV). If I failed to pass even one of these tests, I would then have to wait a couple of days, to a week, and come back and do a completely different set of six tests.

Since I had never driven a large commercial vehicle before, I wasn’t familiar with the highly specialized nomenclature of the trade. For instance, I didn't know what "glad hands" were (I thought it referred to the hand that received money as "tips"), nor did I recognize a "fifth wheel" (I thought it was referring to the spare tire), and so on and so on, etc. Sometimes I tried to use "common sense" but that just got me into more trouble (I don't know if you noticed lately, but "common sense" is no longer "common", now, its the exception!). I studied and studied, and studied again, but invariably I would flunk at least one of these six tests. And then I would have to come back in two weeks and take a whole set of six over again. Again, and again and again! Week in and week out I would enter one of the DMV offices around Southern California, with my shoulders back, my head held high and leave and leave, on my knees, by the back door (pathos added for dramatic effect).

Let me give you an example of how useless common sense can be. One of the questions that I will never forget was: "If my tractor/trailer rig, hauling a bus (they actually haul a trailer full of passengers up and down the steep winding switch-back roads and up over the Summit to the interior) went off a cliff, statics have shown that what percentage of my passengers would perish?" By virtue of common sense, I guessed 100% (have you seen these cliffs?) and when the test came back that answer was…"Wrong". The correct answer was "75%" (I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP!). This answer was the killer for another set of six tests, so…

I went up the DMV examiner with the idea of throwing myself on her mercy. I laid my most persuasive and passionate plea on her, and explained that on the cliffs and hills of Catalina, if my bus went over one of them, EVERYONE WOULD DIE! NO ONE WOULD SURVIVE, MAYBE THE VEHICLE WOULD BE UNRECOVERABLE (do busses have “black boxes”?). Unfortunately, statics are statics, she was a State employee (they are not like normal humans) and she was unmoved by my defense. I then asked her if she could please replace this "highly theoretical" question with another "factual" one, but she refused.

BACK TO THE ISLAND AND BACK TO THE PERVERBIAL "DRAWING BOARD".

After taking five sets of tests (30 individual tests), I was panicked. There was only one more set of six that I could take and then I was be unable to take any more tests, thus, "No passy, no drivey"! I asked a good friend of mine, who had been driving for years, how to study for these tests and I was told that the only way to pass the tests would be to memorize them! Fortunately, copies of ALL of the answers to all thirty-six tests were available. I decided to get them and simply memorize them, which I DID! I actually have friends whose lives were scarred by sitting with me and asking me “flash card” questions, which I made from cut up test answers, for hours on end.

When my last waiting period was over, I went back to the Fullerton DMV office, ended up going to the same examiner that I had seen the last five times, and asked for my final set of six. You have never seen a more non-supportive look in your life! I ran and hid in my little "cubby hole", that I had made for myself in the examination room, partially curled up into the semi-fetal position, and set out to "PASS".

When I finished, I, groveling like Quasimodo, took the tests to "Ms Sunshine" and handed her the finished documents, as Oliver when he pleaded, "Please Sir, I want some more!" In my case, "Please Mam, I want to pass!" She grabbed the papers from me and began to grade them. I made some mistakes on each one, but not enough to fail me, SO, I PASSED! I PASSED! I…PAAASSSSSED!

She looked at me, scornfully, as if to say "Where is your 'seed pod'? YOU CAN'T BE CHUCK LIDDELL!" However, she said the mandatory, monotone, "congratulations", told me that I would now have to have my picture taken, but I would need to make an appointment for that, and sent me on my way.

What could POSSIBLY go wrong now, I…PAAASSSSSED! (to be continued in my next post)